Why Self-Compassion is the Key to Navigating Every Stage of Grief?

Hey Love, 💜

Grief is messy. It’s unpredictable, exhausting, and at times, it feels impossible to bear. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned—both personally and in my work as a grief educator—it’s that how we treat ourselves during grief can shape how we move through it.

Self-compassion isn’t just a nice idea. It’s a lifeline. And research backs this up: studies show that practicing self-compassion can ease emotional suffering, regulate stress, and even help us process loss in healthier ways.

Let’s break down how self-compassion can support you through the different levels of grief—and why being kind to yourself isn’t just helpful, it’s necessary.

1. Shock & Denial: Self-Compassion as a Safe Landing

That moment when loss first hits? It’s like being thrown into freezing water. You feel numb, in disbelief, maybe even detached from reality. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from the full weight of grief all at once.

Self-Compassion in Action:

🌀 Acknowledge what you’re feeling—without judgment. It’s okay if you’re in shock. It’s okay if you don’t feel anything yet. You don’t have to rush your grief.

🌀 Remind yourself: “This is a natural response to loss. I am allowed to feel exactly as I do right now.”

🌀 Breathe. Your body is in survival mode. Place your hand over your heart and take a deep breath. This simple act can activate your body’s calming system.

2. Pain & Guilt: Self-Compassion as Permission to Feel

Once the shock fades, the pain sets in. Maybe it’s sadness, regret, or even guilt wondering if you could have done more, said something different, changed the outcome. This is where a lot of people turn against themselves, blaming or shaming themselves for things beyond their control.

Self-Compassion in Action:

💜 Talk to yourself like you would a grieving friend. If your best friend were in pain, you wouldn’t tell them to “just get over it” or “stop crying.” Offer yourself the same kindness.

💜 Challenge self-judgment. When guilt arises, ask: “Would I blame someone else for this in the same situation?” If the answer is no, release yourself from the burden of unnecessary blame.

💜 Write a self-compassionate letter. Imagine someone who loves you unconditionally is writing to you about your grief. What would they say?

3. Anger & Bargaining: Self-Compassion as a Way to Release Control

Anger is one of the most misunderstood parts of grief. It can show up as frustration with others, resentment toward circumstances, or even rage at the universe. Bargaining follows close behind—those “what if” and “if only” thoughts that make us believe we could have changed the outcome.

Self-Compassion in Action:

🔥 Let yourself be angry—without shame. Your anger isn’t wrong; it’s part of the healing process. Find healthy ways to release it, whether it’s journaling, screaming into a pillow, or moving your body.

🔥 Validate your emotions. Instead of suppressing them, try saying, “Of course I feel this way. This is hard. My emotions are valid.”

🔥 Redirect self-blame. Instead of “I should have done more,” try “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”

4. Depression & Loneliness: Self-Compassion as a Light in the Darkness

This is the stage where grief feels the heaviest. The sadness lingers. The world moves on while you feel stuck. Loneliness can creep in, making it seem like no one truly understands what you’re going through.

Self-Compassion in Action:

🌙 Give yourself permission to grieve fully. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. You don’t have to “be okay” just because time has passed.

🌙 Prioritize small acts of self-care. When grief is heavy, basic self-care—eating, resting, stepping outside—can feel impossible. Start small. Even a sip of water is an act of self-compassion.

🌙 Remind yourself: “I am not alone. My grief is valid, and I deserve kindness—even from myself.”

5. Acceptance & Meaning: Self-Compassion as the Path Forward

Acceptance doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It means you begin to integrate your loss into your life in a way that allows you to move forward. It’s not about forgetting—it’s about learning to carry love and loss together.

Self-Compassion in Action:

✨ Acknowledge your growth. You have survived the hardest days. Honor the strength it took to get here.

✨ Allow joy without guilt. Sometimes, when we laugh again or feel happiness, we immediately feel guilty—as if moving forward dishonors the one we lost. It doesn’t. Joy is not betrayal.

✨ Keep your loved one’s memory alive in a way that feels right for you. This could be through storytelling, creating something in their honor, or simply carrying their love with you.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve the Same Love You Give

Grief is not something to “fix” or rush through. It’s something to move through, with as much kindness toward yourself as possible. The way you treat yourself during grief matters. You deserve the same love and compassion you would offer someone else.

So today, if you’re grieving, pause for a moment. Place your hand over your heart. Take a breath. Whisper to yourself, “I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to heal. And I am allowed to be kind to myself through it all.”

I see you. I honor you. And I am holding space for your healing. 💜

With love,

Njeri

If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you’re looking for support on your grief journey, join me at for grief masterclasses, resources, and a community that understands.